Mommy Monday: The First Year of Baby

"But for most new mothers the year after having their first baby turns out to be the loneliest, according to a survey." (The first year of motherhood 'is the loneliest in a woman's life', survey shows @ Mail Online)

This weekend I was watching a wonderful parenting video on TED titled Let's Talk Parenting Taboos: Rufus  Griscom + Alisa Volkman.

One of the taboos discussed was that as moms we are not allowed to admit to the feelings of loneliness and isolation we experience in the first few years with young children. Other cultures offer family and community support, but many new moms in the U.S. today live far away from family and lose contact with their friends. It was such a relief to know that I was not the only mom struggling with this issue and that there were sources out there to help me.

When my oldest son was born, I was completely overwhelmed, despite all the books, parenting classes, and well-meaning advice. My baby cried constantly, ate all the time, hated having his diaper changed, and generally created noisy, loud (my husband swears he suffered hearing loss) chaos in my relatively peaceful life. When maternity leave ended, I was happy to go back to work.

Eighteen months later, I decided to be a stay-at-home mom for a little while and have a second baby. For the next two years, I felt profoundly lonely and isolated. All of my friends and most of my neighbors held full time jobs. My mom lived three hours away and my mother in-law was a quiet woman who kept to herself. Most days my husband was the only adult conversation I had. I used Facebook prolifically until I realized few of my friends and family actually checked Facebook. The only comforting advice I received was from my sister whose children were a few years to a few months older than mine. She simply stated, "It gets better."

I still haven't found the cure for loneliness, but gradually it is fading. I have a wonderful neighbor and friend who is a retired teacher. She is a profound comfort and support during these long days. My children are older now. With only one nap time, my youngest off the bottle and capable of walking, and my oldest capable of not running away when I can't hold his hand, the three of us are going out more and enjoying parks, bookstores, and occasionally even snack time at McDonald's or the ice cream parlor. My newest resource is babble.com, discovered through Rufus' and Alisa's discussion. Their discussion also gave me additional hope as the charts show an upturn when the children turn age five and presumably start school. I admit I am looking forward to that day with great anticipation.

Financial Fitness: Accepting I Can't Have Everything

"I think about budgeting because there are things that I want to have in my life and I understand that I can’t have everything." (The Human Side by Trent @ thesimpledollar.com)

Budgets suck. I used to enjoy budgeting when I worked and we didn't have children (translation: we had plenty of money). Now I find myself choosing between cable TV and an online subscription to the New York Times (cable wins by a tiny margin). Groceries are particularly difficult because I want to feed my family healthy, non-processed foods, which are more expensive than Stouffer's Lasagna and Pop Tarts. I used to dream of owning a large, beautiful home typical of those surrounding our older neighborhood, but now I prefer my sanity (taking on too much debt is insane) and peace of mind.

Budgets everywhere reveal what is most important to us, because most of us realize we can't have everything. Really, having everything isn't all that important. What is important is having the things most important to us. A healthy family, quiet neighborhood, my Starbucks coffee once a week, and outings with the kids rank higher on our list of priorities than meaty meals, large home, fast food, or time spent working. Budgets have a way of making you decide what contributes most to your quality of life - what is most important. Because, while we can't have everything, we, hopefully, can have the things that are most important to us.

Financially Fit Fashion Tip: Thrift Store Shopping

"Whatever your financial status, presenting well to the world still matters and these days, looking good is an inexpensive option. Thrift stores are great resources for affordable, quality clothes." (How to Live on Practically Nothing @ WikiHow)

I remember the first time I went thrift store shopping. My dad lost his job during the 1987 downturn and my mom, on the advice of a friend, took me and my sisters thrift store shopping before school began. My mom found the experience degrading and humiliating and the clothes drab and shabby.  She vowed never to take us thrift store shopping again and she never did.

When I went to college, thrift store shopping was vogue among my neo-hippie friends. They would pair a thrift store t-shirt with a pair of $300 ripped up jeans and a $20 pair of surplus combat boots. I didn't have the flair for mix-and-match fashion, but I admired theirs while I stuck with middle-class chain store finds.

I didn't actually develop a passion for thrift store shopping until I met my husband. I learned from him how to find the high end, name brand stuff for a fraction of the price. Thrift stores, particularly those in well-heeled areas, are goldmines of elitist fashion, accessories, and decor. They are a great source for special one-of-a-kind finds like leather jackets, designer jeans, or vintage anything, and a terrific place to find kids clothing, especially for little boys who are tough on their clothes in the first place.

Eventually, I learned to examine the quality of my finds, not just the brand name label. The look, feel, content, and  density and consistency of the seams tells me so much more its durability. I also learned to examine for wear and tear on the clothing. Fading, stains (particularly in the armpits and collar), rips, tears, and broken buttons and zippers must be restored thus adding to the cost of the garment.

Today my wardrobe is an easy mix of middle-class chain store, online, and thrift store finds. Now that I've cultivated my own sense of style, it's easier for me to spot what I need and determine what price to pay for it. While I occasionally spend larger amounts on specific items, I get a special thrill when I find a statement piece that's just right at the thrift store.

Two Terrific Learning Resources for the Home Body

"The French believe in always learning something new. So, the next time you read about classes and workshops at your local community college or night school, sign up for something that challenges you. Your brain will thank you." (Bonjour, Happiness! by Jamie Cat Callan)

Being a stay-at-home mom, I don't get out much. Taking two small children anywhere is a lesson in perseverance and determination. Traditional workshops or classes aren't really an option at this stage in my life, but I enjoy learning so much that I found new methods for educating myself. Two of my greatest resources are my local library, where I can reserve books from 22 branches, and the internet where I've found online magazines, blogs, books, music, art, and lectures.

Two of my recent best finds include Susan Cain's new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and TED Talks. Susan Cain's book gave me so many insights into myself, the most significant one being why I  become so tired and irritable after sustained exposure to noisy environments, and reassured me that enjoying quiet activities, such as reading books together in bed with my husband, isn't weird. I haven't yet finished reading her book, but it is such a relief to know that my desire for quiet and solitude doesn't make me an eccentric.

I found a presentation by Susan Cain on TED Talks, a collection of lectures on a variety of subjects, and quickly became addicted. TED is a non-profit group dedicated to spreading ideas, and their wide array of topics includes music, art, business, money, science, relationships, personal development, religion and so much more. They are given by notable teachers and professionals knowledgeable in their fields and last anywhere from 10-30 minutes - perfect chunks of time for a stay-at-home mom who is frequently distracted. A bonus feature is that through these lectures and presentations, I'm also learning about other non-profits and online educational resources for additional, more in depth information.

When the children begin school, I hope to pursue more traditional learning activities and spend more time visiting cultural sites and attending cultural events. In the meantime, I'm thrilled to have discovered a goldmine of learning in our local library and online. Learning something new and engaging in activities that are challenging yet doable has been a rewarding part of my stay-at-home experience that I intend to nurture throughout the rest of my life.

Spiritual Break: Why is learning to meditate so hard?

"Because by learning to impartially observe our thoughts, mindfulness meditation allows us to gain brief respites from the soundtracks in our heads." (What is Mindfulness Meditation? by Ira Israel)

My goal for this month was to develop the habit of daily meditating for five minutes. It seemed reasonable, but I haven't been very successful. It is much harder to stop or even slow down the thoughts running through my head than I anticipated. My practice usually goes something like this:

Sit comfortably. I purchased a zafu cushion because I needed help to sit in a proper yoga meditation position, but I later learned that any comfortable sitting position will do. Some people meditate lying down, but I go to sleep.

Sit comfortably. Focus on your breath. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. One. Or, if you prefer, inhale deeply. One. Exhale deeply. Two. I prefer to pair my inhales and exhales.

Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. One. Keep a smooth rhythm. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Two. Don't forget to squeeze the air out from the bottom up. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Three. See if you can get more air into the bottom of your lungs. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Four. Ugh! My nose itches. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Five. Did I remember to take dinner out of the freezer for tomorrow? Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Six. Maybe I should do that now before I forget. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Seven. No. You are meditating. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Eight. Stay focused. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Nine. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply. Ten.

And on it goes for five minutes. After ten inhales and exhales, I start over again, except when I get so carried away with my thoughts that I've counted to twenty before catching myself. I keep a stop watch beside me to help me mediate the entire five minutes. Time moves slowly in meditation.

Every once in awhile, usually towards the end of my five minutes, I do manage to zone - to empty my head of thoughts, relax, and just be. The state doesn't last long because as soon as I realize I'm in it, I lose it. But for those few moments of respite, I find peace, balance, and flow.

Learning Discretion

"Resist the urge to dish too much or talk about all your private business." (Bonjour, Happiness! by Jamie Cat Callan)

This is really great advice and I am becoming better at putting it into practice. Sometimes this is a bigger challenge when I'm with a don't-talk-about-yourself aficionado who provides short answers to my general inquiries into their well being and what is new in their lives. Having a small collection of neutral topics to discuss - the weather and related issues, the latest movie, sports (a terrific fallback topic because so many people love to passionately talk about the details of their favorite team), and music - helps to fill the space in casual social meetings. Listening to how people respond guides me in finding other potential topics to discuss. And sometimes the quiet space between discussions doesn't need to be filled at all. By allowing myself to be quiet, I create the space I need to think. It takes discipline to remain silent during these times, but it's the quiet me I like best.

Mommy Monday: Staying Home Or Working

"Right now, child care costs more than university costs in many states in our nation." ~ Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner (Working Moms' Challenges: Paid Leave, Child Care by Jennifer Ludden)

When I decided to leave my job to stay home with my oldest child and have another, the decision seemed like a no-brainer. Becoming pregnant while working in a stressful environment was almost impossible, and from previous experience, I knew I needed six months leave to adjust and establish a stable routine before returning to work. I knew extended maternity leave outside of the federally mandated 12 weeks of unpaid leave was out of the question, so I resigned. At the time, we were in a financially stable position and with most of our debt paid off, I wanted to focus exclusively on my family.

I intended to return to work after a year with my youngest son, and within a week of his first birthday, I began researching what it would take to return to the workforce. I ran into two significant obstacles. The first problem was that we were in the worst economic recession in my working life. Ten percent unemployment meant that employers were paying less, demanding more and higher level skills, and expecting longer hours - not a hospitable environment for a return-to-work mom.

The second problem was the cost of daycare. I hadn't anticipated the costs to rise as much as they did and I learned we would be paying 3.4 times more than the price we paid for one child. Even if I could find a full time job that offered me the same salary I earned before I left, after taxes and daycare costs, my contribution to the family coffers would be less than ten percent of my salary - a few hundred dollars per month at most. If I accounted for the costs to return to work, we would likely be paying for me to return to work rather than stay home with the kids. Ultimately, my husband and I concluded that until my oldest son began school, it did not make financial sense for me to return to work.

Presently, I am staying home with the kids a little longer than anticipated. While this is most likely a good thing for them, particularly my youngest son, I worry how difficult it will be for me to return to work after several years of staying home. I hope by the time my oldest son starts school, the unemployment rate will have eased, and a terrific part time job will become available for me. Right now, I'm enjoying the time I have with the kids and believing that everything works out for the best in the end.

Financially Fit: Debt and Its Relationship to Work

"On the simplest level, overspending means getting into debt trouble, and debt trouble means stress and worry and a painful attachment to one's job." (Snippets of Frugality by Trent @ thesimpledollar.com)

When my husband and I began dating, one of the things on which he prided himself most was being cheap. Granted, it was a bit of an embarrassment to me when he threatened to pay for our meals in pennies (he never followed through - at least when I was around, thank goodness).

When we were married, the first thing he insisted I do was pay off all my debt. I thought this was just his chinchy nature, but for our marriage, I humored him. I couldn't believe what freedom came from paying off debt. First went my credit cards. Whew! What a relief! Next went my car loan. Wow! That was an extra few hundred dollars in our pockets each month. Finally, came my student loans. Those were my biggest debt and extra tough to pay off. The student loan servicer wasn't exactly cooperative.  They couldn't seem to wrap their minds around the concept that someone might want to pay off their student loan early.

In the end, I won my freedom from that wretched loan, and I learned that paying off debt is worth the struggle. If I had that debt still hanging over my head, I wouldn't have been able to become a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to reevaluate my life or my career. I wouldn't have had the time to nurture my children and participate in the activities that bring me fulfillment. Paying off debt changed my life and I have never want to go back to my former ways. The freedom I enjoy now is more precious to me than anything a credit card could buy.

Will this career support a life?

"If we are going to pursue our callings as writers, artists, and entrepreneurs, we are going to have to make a decision. Will this career support a life? Or will this life support a career?" (The Secret to Your Next Creative Breakthrough by Jeff Goins)

I enjoy Jeff Goins' blog very much because he makes me think, and these two questions in particular gave me pause. Sometimes a career is just a means to an end - a job to support a lifestyle. Sometimes a career is a passion - something we do for the love of it. Either way, our careers demand so much of our time, and our life, that it is worth considering these two questions, even if writing and/or art are more hobbies than career tracks.

Eventually, I intend to return to work outside of the home, so these two questions are pertinent to me. What lifestyle do I want to lead? What kind of job will support this life? Alternatively, I could also ask myself the questions backwards. What type of lifestyle do I lead? Where in my life can I fit my career? What aspects of my current life am I willing to sacrifice in the name of my career? What aspects are important to keep?

These are questions I wish I had asked sooner, but perhaps now I can fully consider them after having several years of life experience to guide me. I know now what is most important to me. I also know that what is important to me now will change in the future as our circumstances change and as we move from one stage of life to another. Periodically asking myself these questions just might be my key to successful living. After all, creating a rewarding career is an art.

Spiritual Break: Seeking Balance

"Balance is a humanist virtue - it is not consistent to be a humanist and a fanatic." (Humanism: An Introduction by Jim Herrick)


One of the areas in which I struggle to find balance is my spiritual life. Growing up in a strict, almost authoritarian, home where church attendance a minimum of three times a week (not counting church related social activities) caused me to enter adulthood "burned out." When I left home and went to college, I stopped paying attention to my spiritual life altogether. No church. No religious activities. No religious literature. No religious conversations. I wanted nothing to do with the "repressive" religion of my youth that kept me from living life to the full.

Eventually, I found that neglecting my spiritual life left me feeling empty and hollow. It wasn't until I took a World Religions class in college that I began opening my mind to a different approach to spiritual practice. Christianity was and is my spiritual foundation, but I wanted to know about other world religions and practices. I longed to grow my spiritual life and find new inspiration and wider understanding by looking outside the tradition in which I was raised.

Since I began my quest to learn more about other world religions, I have found inspiration in Native American, Humanist, Buddhist, Taoist, and Confucianism teachings. I have also discovered that fanaticism exists in every religious/philosophical thought. Fanaticism corrupts religions and hinders spiritual growth by insisting that there is only one path to fundamental truth. Fanatics in every religion have committed horrible atrocities on others, and on themselves, in the name of their faith because they assume that god directs them to oppress the infidel - with "the infidel" defined as anyone whose religious understanding differs from the strictest interpretation of one's own views.  What seems to be lacking among fanatics is the fundamental realization that everyone's religious understanding differs to some degree and that even if "the infidel" is eliminated, the bar is shifted and the next infidel is targeted.  Some of the greatest acts of repression in history have taken place among peoples who are ethnically, socially and religiously closest.

This is when I come back to the ancient Greek mantra, "moderation in everything." A moderate approach to spirituality - a balanced approach - allows me to discern the spiritual practices that enrich my life from the practices that destroy or limit opportunities for spiritual growth. Balance is how I can take humanists values (frequently associated with atheism and agnosticism) and apply them to my own spiritual life. It truly is possible to appreciate wisdom from the philosophical teachings of Native Americans, Taoism, Confucianism, Buddhism, Humanism, Judaism, and Christianity (I haven't had much exposure to Islam) and create a prolific and growing spiritual life.

Joie de Joy

"Joie de vivre is about trusting that nothing happens without a reason, and everything can turn out positive in the future. It is about accepting what's in your life in the moment and feeling contented inside." (Bonjour, Happiness! by Jamie Cat Callan)

Joie de vivre is a French concept, but I'm putting my own American spin on it. I'm learning to cultivate joyful living by adopting a lifestyle that doesn't allow might-happens, or could've-beens to color my decisions. I still haven't perfected my techniques, but I'm definitely becoming better at it. The above quote reminds me that eventually everything works itself out. Today's troubles turn into tomorrow's inspirations. Focusing on the meaningful moments in the present and intentionally pushing out the might-happens and could've-beens from my mind creates more space for productive thinking and a calm mind.

In order to boost my efforts, I'm learning to meditate - to sit quietly and focus on nothing but my breathing. Clearing my mind, even for a few minutes, helps me reset my thinking and brings me back to the present moment. I remind myself to focus on what I can do right now. If the answer is "nothing", I allow myself a little treat - a TV program or a good book to take my mind away from my worries. If nothing else, I write down everything on my mind, close my journal and tell myself to enjoy the rest of the day. Sometimes these methods work immediately. Sometimes I have to keep trying. Eventually, I learn to let go and find joy in the present moment.

Mommy Monday: I Hate Messes

"Like rolling out of bed in the morning or brushing my teeth before bed at night, cleaning up is just a part of life."(Mindful Monday: clean. organize. rinse. repeat. by Meagan Francis)

I hate messes. It's my new mommy mantra. It's probably more accurate to say that I hate cleaning up messes.  Nothing pushes my hot buttons faster than baby powder tossed all over the room, a previously made bed unmade with pillows and blankets strewn across the room, Cheerios or Goldfish crackers crushed on the floor, milk carelessly spilled on the furniture, Crayola art decorating our walls and doors, wet toilet paper plastering the bathroom, or stumbling over a pile of toys on the way to the changing table with a screaming, stinky toddler. Unfortunately, my two adorable, loving, angelic little boys create these messes and more most days of the week.

Some days I handle it better than others. The boys are becoming better about cleaning up their messes as they mature. I also am developing coping methods to help me maintain my sanity. I established a rule that says I only clean clutter during designated times. I may clean diapers and spilled milk right away, but I absolutely refuse to spend my life following my children around cleaning up the continuous trail of clutter that is invariably strewn in their wake. I'm also learning where they can help by teaching the boys that if you make a mess, you clean it up - immediately. Mostly, I want to teach them to stop making messes...why is this so hard?

Life contains many messes. Sometimes life is a mess.  Constant vigilance is required to keep the mess from getting out of hand. But sometimes, attacking a mess just once during a designated time of day, week, or month frees me to pursue my other interests. Learning to prioritize is the key.

Financially Fit: Frugality vs. Earning More

"If you can increase your income while still maintaining at somewhat frugal lifestyle, you'll be in much better shape than someone who relies on frugality alone or someone who relies on income increases alone." (Earn more or save more...do we have to choose? by Kristen @ thefrugalgirl.com)

Many of my friends would love to be stay-at-home moms or work part time around family schedules, but haven't found a way to do it. I am always honest with these friends about the sacrifices we made so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. Before I could consider it, I had to learn the principles of frugality - minimizing our expenses, paying off all our consumer debt, and not carrying balances on the credit cards. When I took the leap, I had to give up many of the luxuries I enjoyed while working - monthly massages, childcare, bi-weekly cleaning services, and weekly trips to the steak house.

Over the years I have stayed home, we continually found new ways to cut costs and adapt our lifestyle to our means. However, there comes a point when cutting expenses more begins to diminish our quality of life, and earning more becomes a necessity. Financial security means we have to be both careful with our spending and open to higher paying opportunities that fit our lifestyle.

The key to our success has been working on the areas that make the greatest difference first. In the beginning this meant minimizing expenses by paying off credit cards, student loans, and car loans, purchasing older vehicles with low miles and good maintenance records, living in a smaller house (thus minimizing our mortgage payments, taxes, insurance, and utility bills) and consolidating our stuff to fit in our house comfortably. Now it means pursuing professional opportunities that offer more financial rewards. Financial peace of mind and freedom to spend our time doing the things we enjoy has been worth the sacrifices.

Living Life Well

"Living life well is a craft, an art, not something which just happens." (Humanism: An Introduction by Jim Herrick)

When it comes to living well, I found that my definition changes based on the life stage I happen to be experiencing, but I have discovered several core components. First, living life well means having positive relationships - friends I can depend on, and a family who loves and supports me. It also means having a life's work, enough money to do the things I want to do and the time and freedom to pursue my dreams.

To cultivate this type of life requires a great deal of effort. At one time or another each of these areas has been high maintenance. Now that I'm a stay-at-home mom, I don't have the friendships and camaraderie I once found at work. I have to put more effort into maintaining my friendships and seeking out new ones. Plus, with only one income, money isn't as abundant as before. I have to be much more careful about spending, which impacts the number of activities our family can participate.

The best thing about the life I live now is that I have time and freedom to focus on the things that are important to me - spending time watching my kids play in the backyard, picnicking at the lake, visiting the bookstore, finding books in the library, reading, yoga, and walking. During this life stage, I am focusing on building strong relationships and nurturing a healthy lifestyle so that I may enjoy life in the future.

Before I left work to become a stay-at-home mom, I never really looked at my life holistically and asked, "How can I live my life well?" Having time to reflect and write my thoughts down has made all the difference for me. No, living life well isn't something that just happens. You have to know what a life well lived is before you can live it.

Mid-week Spiritual Retreat: Learning to Meditate

"There are lots and lots of ways to meditate. But our concern is not to find a perfect form of meditation — it’s to form the daily habit of meditation. And so our method will be as simple as possible." (How to Meditate Daily by Leo Babauta)

I love Leo Babauta's Zen Habits blog. His words refresh, inspire, soothe, and remind me to come back to my center. This post helped me a great deal as my goal this month is to learn to meditate. I haven't been especially successful. My children are loud and noisy and interrupt my efforts. Finding a few moments when they are quietly occupied with a harmless project is quite a challenge. Most of those moments are already occupied - walks, yoga, bathroom time, shower time, sleep time. But, Mr. Babauta recommends beginning with two minutes of meditation. I can find two minutes somewhere in the day to meditate - perhaps after the toddler goes down for his nap and my oldest son is content watch PBS. After a long week, and another three days to go, I'm looking forward to my meditation retreat today.

Act Confident

"If you walk around like you're confident, then things will sort themselves out. People respect you more and treat you better when they think you're doing well and that you are happy." (Brazilian Sexy: Secrets to Living a Gorgeous and Confident Life by Janea Padilha)

This bit of advice proves to be just what I need to perk up my day when I'm feeling blue. A positive demeanor is better for my health, so it is a bonus that it also improves my day-to-day interactions with other people. The funny thing is that once I lift my head, smile, greet people amicably, and walk confidently, my blue mood begins to dissipate. I gain new perspective and previous problems lose their emotional grip. Perhaps I can do something about them. Perhaps not. Either way, once I decide to move confidently forward and stop worrying, they lose their power to torment me. Knowing this, I intend to act confident more often.

Mommy Monday: Being a 'Good Enough Mother'

"being a 'good enough mother' is actually better for you and your kids than trying to be a perfect mother." (The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birndorf)

Motherhood isn't an easy job for any mother, but some days I feel like I struggle more than most. My children aren't quiet, passive, or cooperative. They are independent, strong-willed, and stubborn. Despite my best efforts to be a good mom, we butt heads at the worst possible moments. Many days I wonder if anything could have prepared me for being a mom.

I remember the first time my life fell short of my idealized version of motherhood. Well-meaning mothers and lactation consultants created a beautiful image in my mind of bonding with a newborn infant while nursing. Reality turned out to be much different. Despite my best efforts and endless consultations, my son continued to nurse every 45 minutes. There was no bonding involved. After three weeks, my stamina (and self-worth) gave out. I couldn't do it. I wasn't producing enough milk and I needed sleep. Finally, I allowed my husband to give him a bottle every other feeding while I enjoyed a luxurious 2-3 hours of sleep. It was the first time I decided that being good enough mom was a more rational choice than being perfect mom.

When my second son was born, I decided that 2-3 hours of sleep at night was the minimum I needed to remain a sane mom. Part of me felt like a bad mother for not nursing exclusively, but part of me knew that a sane mother with a few hours of sleep would be better capable of taking care of her infant. He  benefited from the milk I produced and I benefited from a few hours of sleep. I never regretted the decision because it allowed me to enjoy those special mommy-baby bonding moments that disappear so quickly.

There have been many "good enough" moments since then as I become the mother I want to be. Developing mothering methods that accommodate my and my children's personalities has been key. Using my strengths and finding someone to help in the areas I am weak makes motherhood a more joyful experience for me.

Being a Fixer Upper

"I'm beginning to realize that home improvement can be just as tricky as self-improvement: how do you keep working, little by little, on making your surroundings (or your spirit) cleaner, warmer, lovelier, more functional...while still accepting that what you have - right now, this very minute - really is good enough - no, better than good enough; something to be celebrated." (The Happiest Mom: A Fixer Upper by Meagan Francis)

I began following Meagan Francis' blog after reading her book, The Happiest Mom, and this quote from one of her posts resonated with me. My husband is an architectural preservationist and I have watched many of his projects go from decrepit old buildings to elegant masterpieces. The transformation often takes years and financial resources determine the pace of the work, but when the restoration project is complete the building is nothing less than breathtaking.

The apt analogy between home improvement and self-improvement compelled me to reflect on my life improvement project from a different angle. In the beginning, everything looks bad and  internal conditions are probably even worse. The first step, pulling everything apart in pieces, doesn't add much to the aesthetic value of the project. Next, all the rotting, weak, rusted, outdated elements are removed and replaced. Many of these elements (wiring, plumbing, HVAC systems) must be brought up to date to meet current code and many times new elements (cable, WiFi, automated systems) are added to increase the efficiency and usability of the building.

Just like one of my husband's projects, my life looked bad at the beginning of my project. The first step, pulling my life apart piece by piece and removing all the elements in my life that no longer worked for me, left me feeling spiritually gutted and empty. The fun work began when I started replacing my old non-functioning way of life with more fulfilling activities (reading, yoga, time with my family, blogging, exercise, eating healthily, building quality friendships).

Through this process I am learning what is truly important to me and what lifestyle I truly want to lead. New desires (financial peace of mind, travel, flexibility) replace former ones (large home, new cars) and gradually, the pieces begin coming back together to define the new me. Eventually my life will be a masterpiece, but in the meantime I am learning to enjoy the small accomplishments that bring me closer to becoming the person I want to be.

Changing the Past

"One thing we can never change is our past. What we can change is the hold our past has on our lives." (Small Change: It's the Little Things in Life That Make a Big Difference by Susan Terkel and Larry Terkel)

If there is one thing that is hard for me to let go, it is the past. It would be great if the parts of my past I held onto were all the good times and happy memories. Unfortunately, I obsess over the mistakes. I made many missteps and experienced painful moments. Of course, there were good times, too. I did many things right, but I rarely pat myself on the back for a job well done.

One of the areas I continue to improve is recording memories of the good times. After I gave birth to my first son, I began taking more pictures. With digital photography available on every gizmo and device, it was easy to get carried away and I'm glad I did, because now I remember the precious moments. The pictures that mean the most to me aren't the ones of birthdays and holidays (although those are meaningful). They are photos of the ordinary moments - times when my children are sleeping, playing. laughing, learning. Occasionally, I will sit down with the kids to look at pictures and videos of them when they were "little." They love seeing how much they have grown up and it helps them remember happy days.

I may not be able to change my past, but I'm determined to retrain my focus on the good times. I am learning to look for the positive and the memorable in the here and now. If I see a precious moment, I bring out the camera to record it, because when I'm eighty, the memories of special moments in day-to-day living are the heritage I want to share with my grandchildren.

Fitness Goals

"Take the stairs whenever possible and try to walk everywhere - or at least as much as you can." (Bonjour, Happiness! by Jamie Cat Callan)

After reading several books about the French culture, the consensus on achieving French thin is to walk everywhere and eat petite portions. Texas culture is a bit different where servings are supersized and walking is what you do when you don't have a car. Fortunately, I live in Austin, where parks, lakes, greenbelts, hike and bike trails, bike lanes, and wide sidewalks abound. It's not unusual to see moms pushing their baby in the stroller, dads taking a bike ride with their kids, and people of all ages hiking throughout the greenbelts. Of course, it's also not unusual to see people driving golf carts to visit their neighbors in my community, too.

My goal this year is to walk 10,000 steps consistently every day. My first born son, however, doesn't share this goal and persuading him to walk without going anywhere (the closest neighborhood store is five miles away) is almost impossible. So I walk in the early mornings, late evenings, and weekends, when my husband is available to watch the kids, and spend the rest of my time pacing around the house and backyard. I'm sure my neighbors think all this walking is a bit odd (they use golf carts to visit the neighborhood after all) but I'm quickly learning how to achieve my goal every day. So the neighbors can think what they want, I feel great every time I hit my benchmark.

The Value of a College Education

"But college costs have skyrocketed over the past 30 years, and the potential payoff of a college education varies widely, depending on which subject a person majors in and the value and reputation of the college." (Senior citizens have $36 billion in student loans by Liz Goodwin)

Higher education changed dramatically since my parents went to college (when you could still support a family with a high school diploma) and even substantially since my husband and I attended college (when a bachelor's degree was enough to secure a quality job). Today college is more expensive, frequently financed through student loans, and lacks the generous increase in potential earnings it once offered.

Before my children attend college, we will need to consider a complex cost-benefit formula accounting for variables such as affordability, available grants and scholarships, subject major, graduation rates, and the ability to find paid employment after graduation. I also would ask what the purpose of a college degree is. Is it to obtain a job in a certain field? To prepare my children to become entrepreneurs? To become intellectuals? To teach them social skills and establish contacts that might benefit them in the future?

College is the first significant financial decision my children will make and the choices of whether to attend, where to attend, what major to choose, and how much to borrow is a lot to ask from an eighteen year old high school graduate with limited life experience. A college degree isn't worth any price. Financial peace of mind and the freedom to pursue wild fantasies are worth much more. While I still want my children graduate with a college degree, I do not want them to sacrifice their future for a mediocre return.

Recipe for Healthy Living - Part 2

"Drink a lot of water (at least two quarts a day), eat something raw and something green at every meal (even in winter), don't fear garlic, sleep eight hours, exercise once a day, and try to worry less." (Three Black Skirts: All You Need to Survive by Anna Johnson)

Well, after a month of trying to achieve the lifestyle described here, I decided tackling all six goals in one month was overly ambitious. While I feel great about many of the changes I made, I never reached all six benchmarks on the same day. However, I learned a great deal and the process helped me create plan for achieving these lifestyle changes in the future.

Several benchmarks presented little to no trouble for me at all. I began a daily exercise routine in my twenties that I refined and adapted to fit my lifestyle through the years. Currently I take two walks in the neighborhood (weather permitting) every weekday (once on weekends) and practice yoga 30-45 minutes 3-4 days per week. I simply continued this routine throughout the month to acquire my daily exercise.

I thought drinking two quarts of water every day would be challenging for me because I don't enjoy drinking water. Fortunately, I read a recipe on Pinterest for lemon water that I thought would improve my chances. After experimenting with several different versions of the recipe I discovered that cutting up a single lemon, squeezing it into a pitcher of water, and allowing it to chill for eight hours worked best for me. I easily hit the drinking two quarts of water per day benchmark consuming a pitcher of chilled lemon water. Plus, I added a healthy dose of vitamin C to my diet.

I began using garlic as a substitute for salt in many of my meals. In addition to reducing my salt intake substantially, I found garlic to be a great ingredient for adding zing to my meals. Most days I ate at least one garlicky meal and many days I ate two.

The other benchmarks -  eating something raw and green at every meal, sleeping eight hours per day, and worrying less - presented greater challenges for me. The time change derailed my sleeping patterns, and eventually, to address the problem, I began preparing for bed around 8:30pm. I also took some advice from my sister and used a fan as white noise to drown out the sleeping noises from the rest of my family that woke me so frequently. The white noise from the fan means I now only woke up once or twice at night and was able to return to sleep sooner.

I decided to make a minor change to the eating something raw and green at every meal benchmark. I decided that eating something raw or green at every meal allowed for greater freedom in my fruit and vegetable choices. This allowed me to count the apple I eat every morning with breakfast and the cooked vegetables - broccoli, green beans, and zucchini - I eat in the evening towards meeting this goal.

Worrying less was decidedly the most difficult benchmark to meet last month. The more I tried to worry less, the more I worried. Combined with not sleeping enough, worrying left me completely exhausted. I became cranky, irritable, and short tempered.  The only way I found to succeed in worrying less was to focus on what I was doing at that moment, finishing one task and then taking the next step without looking for results. I rarely hit this benchmark, though.

Overall I would give myself a B- for the month. I suspect that if I obtain more sleep and become more proficient at meditating, I will be more successful in the other areas. Thanks to my efforts in March, I now have new goals for April - learning to meditate and sleeping more. With only two objectives for the month, I can be more focused in my efforts and hopefully more effective.